Cutting
by Lyla Hayden
Summary: Harry's got a pretty F'd up life. He's a cutter, in love with his best friend, and he has some bad stuff that happened to him in the past haunting him. HPDM Slash. Based on real life. [One-Shot]


-Cutting-

By Lyla Hayden

A/N: Uhm...I've had major problems in my life, as my bio says. Most of it wasn't mine, but I am still effected. Let's just say this story is based on real life and leave it at that. Review please, but no flames. I don't want to deal with them at the moment and after you read the story, you'll know why. And no, Harry does not represent me. Also, it's only based on a true story up to Draco's part in St. Mungo's...I hate the real ending so I'm making up my own just for you. Happy Christmas.

'_Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived, Gryffindor Golden Boy, Potty, Scarhead, whatever the hell you want to call me...I am all of these, but I am also what people like to affectionately call a cutter. Maybe cutter is wrong...I don't want to be put in a stupid group of suicidal bastards._

'_Then again, maybe I should be. I'm not suicidal, don't get me wrong. I just cut to release all of the frustration, all of the hurt, all of the anger. It's complicated. I cut to forget. I cut to make me feel better._'

I paused in my writing hearing a shuffling noise in the dorm. I closed my journal and put it away, roughly hiding it away beneath my pillow. "Hi Harry." I felt my cheeks burn at Ron's soft, naive smile.

"Hey."

"What are you up to?" He sat next to me on the bed.

"Nothing! What make you think I'm up to anything?" Ron blinked and I stood up with a stretch. "I'm just hungry. Sorry."

"Let's go get something from the kitchen, then. We can ask if Hermione wants to come, too."

"Actually, I have something I have to do right now. Can you guys just bring me something back?"

Ron frowned. "Sure, buddy. See ya later." And he left. I pulled the curtains closed on my bed as I curled up in it, contented to write more in my journal. I pulled open the little brown book and began to write again.

'_I told Ron that I liked him. Since then, he hasn't even touched me. Yes, I am gay, but in this day and age, it doesn't matter too much. Well, it does, but it doesn't. This is also complicated. I told him when he had a girlfriend. He's bi, but he still doesn't even like me that way._

'_It hurts to think about it. I just feel like cutting, but I know better. If I cut when I'm upset and I can't think straight, I might hit something important and die. That is something I don't want, even with all my past problems._

'_Problem isn't the right word to describe it. Disease. Yes. That works. This is my disease. Want the story, do you? I can tell you, sure, because it's not like you can tell anyone, right? I really should tell Ron first. I love Ron. I should tell him. I should just get up right now and stop writing to go run after him and tell him what they did to me._

'..._I can't. I just...can't._'

"Harry? Are you okay?" Shit, I thought, I didn't even hear him come in.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Ron."

"Do you want to talk?" No, dumbass.

"I guess." The curtains were pulled back and Ron sat next to me. "What did you want to talk about?" I asked, closing my journal.

"About what's bothering you. Something had been bothering you for a while now. I just...could you just...I don't know. Something is wrong. Tell me."

'_I'm so stupid, Diary. I told him. I told him what they did to me and he just stared at me. He said, "You're joking, right?" It hurt. I wasn't joking. I just looked away. He blinked, a tear falling. "Why didn't you say anything? This is serious, Harry!"_

'_I don't think it's that serious, or...I don't know. Maybe I deserved it. My parents died to protect me, and then Sirius...Well, I was protecting him, and he had to come save me from that. So many complicated things._

'_Maybe I'd feel better if I wrote what happened to me. I won't go into detail because, to be frank, it still hurts just to think about it._

'_I went to a party with Dudley, my cousin, and some of his friends. They all left me and I was getting bored. I mean, really! It wasn't that fun of a party, even if there was drinking. So, anyway, I was wondering around and I heard sounds coming from one of the bedrooms._

'_Curiosity got the best of me, so I pushed the door open. There were six guys and one girl. They were...well, you can guess. The guys saw me and I just froze. I was eleven! I wasn't really old enough to understand what was going on._

'_Well, to put it bluntly, five of the guys raped me. The girl was just too drunk to even stand up and I have no idea what happened to the sixth guy. I went home on my own and got bitched at by the Dursley's, but I didn't really care._

'_So I told all this to Ron and I brought up all the stuff Malfoy and Voldemort and Snape put me through in school. Life can be really sucky, you know?_'

I folded the journal away and walked out of the bedroom. Breakfast in the Great Hall didn't sound so appealing so I skipped it and went straight to Potions class. I sat in my seat and looked over to watch Snape grade some essays.

I guess I zoned out because I jumped when I felt Snape put his hand on my shoulder and shake me. "Potter. What the bloody hell is so fascinating about me grading papers?" I swallowed and shrugged. Snape sneered. "Ten points."

He walked back to his desk. I sighed and looked around to see what had happened since I'd been 'out'. The students were just beginning to file in. Malfoy was there and so were a few others. Ron and Hermione walked in holding hands.

I'm happy for them, really, I am...but...oh, I don't know. I smiled softly as they sat at their own table, knowing they'd be moved. Ron waved and Hermione just smiled sweetly. Did he tell her?

I felt my heart stop and I jumped up. I hurried over to Ron and dragged him out of the room. I pinned him against a wall and fought off tears. "Did you tell anyone what I told you?"

"Ow! Harry! No. Put me down, damnit!" I slowly let him down enough so that his feet touched the ground.

"I'm sorry...It's just..." I bit my lip and shook my head. "Just don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Yeah. I promise." Ron pulled me back inside. "Class is about to start." I sat back down in my seat and looked over at the board. I was paired off with Malfoy again. Yay for me. I moved to sit next to him and ignored the usual sneer and insult.

"Potter, get the supplies." I did as the almighty Malfoy commanded and he watched me in shock as I gathered up the stuff and moved back to our table. "Are you feeling okay?" I just smiled and nodded.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Longbottom. Stop breaking the tools." I looked over to see Neville picking up shards of what looked like it was a small vial of sorts. "Potter, do your work. Don't make Malfoy do it for you." Snape sneered and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

Peachy. I looked over at Draco to find him cutting up some leaves. "You can mush these up, Potter." He shoved a mortar and pestle at me first, then handed me a root. I nodded and went about mashing it into little tiny crumbs. "Add some water, Potter."

I did.

"Hey, Potter...are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine. Why do you even care?"

"I don't." He growled out, his face turning a bit pink. "You're a foul, loathsome, goody-goody with no damned life beyond what the wizarding world makes for you so that you'll destroy You-Know-Who for them. You're nothing but a tool and a lo...are you _crying_?"

"No," I muttered, but I knew I was. My shoulders wracked with sobs that I tried to hide in my hands. The whole class was silent. Brave Harry Potter was CRYING?

"Potter! Get a hold of yourself! I didn't mean it, okay?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and what I saw made me fall out of my chair. Malfoy, Slytherin prince, was trying to make me feel better? He was sad that I was crying? Dear Merlin! What has this world come to!

"Harry?" I looked over at Ron. "Come on, Harry. We need to talk." He grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. What shocked me even more then Malfoy's caring was that Snape nodded and even opened the door for us. I choked out another sob as Ron drew me out the door and down the hall.

"Harry, what did ferret boy say to you?" I sighed and wiped my face off. Men aren't supposed to cry, right?

"He just called me some things and said I was nothing but a tool for the wizarding world."

"And why would tha...oh. Harry, you aren't a tool for anyone. You're a person. You can't listen to Malfoy. He's stupid and has no idea what he's talking about." Ron wrapped his arms around me and I sighed into his shoulder. Merlin, if only, if only. "You should wash your face off and get back to class before Snape changes his mind and decides to take points off for this."

"Speaking of that...why did he let you take me out?" I asked, pulling back and heading for the bathroom with Ron trailing after me.

"I told him that there was something really wrong and that You-Know-Who could take advantage of this to kill you if I wasn't able to calm you down." He laughed and handed me a towel when I was done washing my face off. "Come on. Let's get back to class."

"I don't want to. I...I'm going to go see Dumbledore, okay?" Ron nodded. "I just can't face that class right now. I mean, the great defender of the wizarding world just broke down and cried because someone called him a name."

"I understand. I'll tell Snape you went to the infirmary."

"Thanks." I smiled softly and walked out of the bathroom feeling much better.

"Don't think anything of it."

'_So I told Dumbledore. I guess once you say it once, it makes saying it again much easier. He wasn't happy that I didn't tell him sooner. He wants to get me to a psychiatrist but I doubt that'll help._

'_I also told him I was gay. He just shrugged it off. Guess it isn't that big of a deal to him. I did mention that I was writing in a journal to blow off some steam. But I didn't say exactly what I was writing. He just jumped to the conclusion that I was writing about what those boys did to me._

'_Did I mention that Malfoy was being a prick again? He called me a tool and I broke down into tears in the middle of class. Shockingly, Malfoy seemed to be really worried about me. Even Snape was. He let me leave the classroom with Ron, for Merlin's sake._'

I put my journal back under my pillow and cast a protection spell over it to keep people from finding and reading it. After all, the stuff I wrote in there was rather personal. I was headed out to Transfigurations when I got that overwhelming feeling that I just had to do it.

I turned a corner and walked into the bathroom. I always kept a small knife in my boot. It wasn't there so I could randomly cut myself. It was there in case I didn't have my wand and Voldemort attacked. At least then I'd have something to defend myself with, you know?

I locked the door after making sure no one would walk in and sat on one of the dry sinks. When the blade peeled at my skin, a small bubble of red liquid pooled up and popped, sliding off to land in between my legs and falling down the drain.

I could barely feel it so I continued. Two cuts, three...four...eight...I began to feel weak. I was losing a lot of blood. Then it hit me...class started about ten minutes ago. Oh well. I'd just go to the infirma-shit. My hand slipped and the knife cut too deep.

I began to panic and I pushed my knife back into my boot before running my wrist under the water. Shit, shit, shit. I held it there for a minute before pressing a towel to it, trying to stop the bleeding. I had cut too deep and it probably needed healing.

But that would mean getting Madame Pomfrey to help. And that would mean telling her I was a cutter. Then I'd have to say why...SHIT! I unlocked the door and ran to Transfigurations.

Hermione. I had to get Hermione. She would know what to do. I hid the cut on my arm and ran as fast as I could into the classroom. "Mister Potter! You're late! Five points."

I said nothing. Looking around, I spotted Hermione and grabbed her arm. She squeaked out protests but I ignored them and pulled her out of the room and into the hallway. I turned to face her and she stared at me. "What's wrong, Harry?"

"H-how good are you in healing spells? Can you do them?"

"Of course, Harry, but I think we should leave the healing to the head nurse here."

"Please, Hermione. Can you heal this for me?" I tugged my sleeve back just enough to show her the few on my wrist around that large one.

"My God, Harry! Did you do these?" I nodded. "We should take you to the infirmary right away."

"No! Hermione! I don't want to go there!"

"And why not?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"Because...she'll ask how I got them."

"So?"

"Then she'll want to know why!!" I yelled out frantically, as if it were blatantly obvious why I didn't want to go.

"Merlin's beard, Potter!" I spun around. Malfoy had followed us out. "Do you cut?"

"Why would you care?" I spit out, stomping away. I spun around feeling a hand grasp my arm and the next thing I knew, I was pinned against the wall, my toes barely touching the ground. I choked back a cry as Malfoy roughly pulled my sleeve up to see my arm.

"Merlin..." he said softly. "You did all these?" I nodded. "Harry...We're going to the infirmary." I barely had time to think about it. Not only did he call me by my first name, but he was going to take me to the infirmary? He wasn't going to insult me and encourage me?

He dragged me off sneering like there was no tomorrow. "W-wait!"

"Just shut up and walk." I blinked and followed, not exactly by choice, but it was better then begin dragged down the hall.

'_So here I am at St. Mungo's. Pleasant, isn't it? Bloody Dumbledore sent me here when he saw I had been cutting. At least they let me have you, Diary of mine. Heh...that sounds a bit poetic, doesn't it?_

'_Anyway...today was my first full day here. I didn't have time to write last night with all those sleeping draughts they shoved down my throat. At least I can get out in one week, once all those meds kick in._

'_I got a roommate today. He's nice and funny, although I don't know if I want to be friends with a fellow cutter. Did you know that mostly women are cutters and men are suicidal? Jack and I are just weird._

'_Women, they say, bottle up their feelings because it's not 'Lady-like' to show them, at least according to this therapist lady. Oh, and Jack has this girlfriend that he wants me to sneak in. Apparently, he can't have visitors for a while and I can._

'_McGonagall and Dumbledore came today. They just wanted to talk about what those boys did to me, but I didn't want to so I yelled at them. Also, you'll never guess who else came to visit! Draco Malfoy!_

'_He sat next to me and just watched me in silence. You know that saying "Silence is Deafening"? Well it was kinda like that. He smiled and left about half an hour later, when visiting hours were almost over._

'_And you wanna hear something even more disturbing? I want him to come back tomorrow._'

The next day, I was sitting on my bed drawing my Firebolt when I felt arms around my shoulders. I felt myself blush and I looked over to find Draco Malfoy hugging me. He buried his face in my neck and sighed.

"Tell me why you do it." I gasped when I felt him nibble at the side of my neck.

"D-do what?"

"Cut." He blew lightly on the wet spot he'd left and I shivered.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Just because I pick on you doesn't mean I want to. Appearances can be deceiving, Harry." I pushed him away and fell off the side of the bed. "Sorry," he muttered.

I stood up brushing myself off and pulled my journal out from under my pillow. "I guess if you want to understand, you can just read this. But not here." He nodded and took the little book from me.

"I'll be back tomorrow, Harry. Okay?"

"Yes, yes. Bye Malfoy."

His eyes flashed with sadness and he nodded again. "Bye Harry."

'_Hello little piece of paper. Draco took my journal so I'll write on you instead, okay? Heh...I'm hanging out with too many crazy people. He'll be here in about an hour or so, so I want to get this out._

'_I didn't want him to know. He's going to tell everyone. Or...no. He'll tell. I guess I didn't even want him to know, whether he said anything or not. Visiting hours start in five minutes. I wish they didn't._

'_I don't want to face him right now. Shit. I have to write smaller...you're too small, little piece of paper. So I'll just make this short. Me no want Draco to come. Me no want him to know. Me no want to be here. Me want death._'

I folded the paper up as my door opened. I folded my arms on the bed and rested my chin on them. I was lying on my stomach on my bed. It wasn't that comfortable, though. I sighed as steel eyes stared back at me.

"Harry...is this all true?" I just nodded to the best of my capability. "I didn't know I was effecting you that much."

"There's a lot you didn't know, Draco." I closed my eyes. Shit. I just called him by his first name. Now he'll think we're friends...but...I think I might like that...

"I'm sorry, Harry." My eyes flew open. He...Malfoy...Draco...he just apologized to me? "Really. I am. I won't call you anything again." He reached out and touched my cheek softly teasing my skin. I leaned into his touch. "When are you going to come back to school?"

"Tuesday," I whispered, once more closing my eyes as his thumb gently caressed my cheek. I felt a tightening in my chest as his lips gently touched mine. It was only for a minute, but it seemed to last forever. If only.

'_I kissed Draco. Dear Merlin...I kissed him. What has this world come to? Oh! I almost forgot to welcome you back, my lovely diary. I'm sorry I strayed from you while you were gone._

'_I wrote before that I wanted death, but I think I've changed my mind. Every time I've thought about Draco lately my heart goes aflutter. It's amusing really. I think I'm in love with him._

'_I can't wait to get out of here. Two more days. It would be good to have myself out and away from those crazy teens that I've been around. I'm actually addressing a paper and a journal as if they were alive. Ha! I've really lost it._

'_I'm off to dream about...bad...naughty...things._'

I danced out of the mental ward two weeks after my arrival. Yes, when I say dance, I mean dance. Well, there was more skipping them dancing. There weren't even any marks left on my arms. You just gotta love magic. They'd kept me longer because I hadn't talked about what happened to me for quite a while.

I froze half-way out the door and grinned. Draco came to get me. I smiled happily and jumped on him, trying not to laugh as his head hit the ground outside. "Good to see you too, Harry. Did you have to tackle me, though?"

"Yes!" I yelled before pressing my lips hard to his. "I love you, Draco."

"And I love you, Harry." He kissed me back. After a moment, he pulled away. "But I would love you even more if you'd stop squishing my spleen." I laughed and got up. He stood up and draped an arm around my waist, pulling me close.

Things weren't all better, but I know that I can get over them. It won't be easy, but with Draco there...I can do it when he's near me. I still want to cut, but I can resist. After all, I have something I didn't before.

I have Draco.

-End-

A/n: Sorry if the ending is a bit rushed...It's not really what happened, so I had to make it up. In real life, there is no Draco to help. Also, instead of just the taunting and name-calling, the person Harry represents was cut up and had her hands broken and stapled.

Anyway...All of the stuff in this story up until Draco's entrance really happened, so don't you go flaming me for inaccuracy. Also, as you can tell from this story, my life's pretty fucked up right now, so please just don't flame me at all. I'll rate this PG-13...I don't think it needs to be rated R.


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